The Myth of Perfectionism
OK Award Ribbon made by my buddy Marissa Falco
It’s the beginning of a new year: a time that feels ripe with possibility… and pressure! OOF!
Every year I swear that I won’t buy into the New Year’s resolution B.S. and then inevitably, every year I succumb, to some degree. It’s something I’m working on!
To be clear, there’s nothing wrong with striving towards personal and professional growth. But for me, I know that regardless of my resolutions, intentions, of whatever I call them that year, there’s likely a dose of perfectionism driving them.
What’s wrong with perfectionism? Isn’t it good to want to get better at things? “Better” is one thing, but perfection is just not human. Perfection is a myth, and its danger lies in our acceptance of it as a reasonable expectation, as something achievable. (We might also want to consider who makes the measuring stick by which standards are measured: white supremacy culture, hyper productivity culture/late capitalism, ableism… etc.).
Are you expecting perfection—or something close to it—from yourself?
Do you:
work hard—or even overwork—but still have a hard time accepting you’ve done enough?
reach your goals only to find that in the process you’ve raised the bar on what an acceptable level of accomplishment is?
set unrealistic expectations, and use not meeting them as evidence that you’re not good enough or don’t measure up?
put projects off until the last minute because you’re blocked by the fear that your work won’t be good enough?
repetitively check what you’re doing as you work on it?
seek constant reassurance and approval from others because you don’t feel like you can trust your own sense of whether you’re doing something well?
ruminate on past mistakes, even small ones?
Perfectionism is associated with stress, burnout, depression, eating disorders, and anxiety. The causes for these feelings are complex and varied. You may have learned as a kid that you needed to do everything right to get love, affection, and praise. Maybe societal pressure has convinced you that your worth is determined by your achievements. Maybe you hold marginalized identities and have felt the need to work harder than others to justify your worth.
Feedback loops and self-defeating behaviors
Perfectionism and anxiety can sometimes be a chicken and egg dilemma: perfectionism can be a symptom of certain mental health conditions (ex. OCD, social anxiety, PTSD), and function as a way to cope with anxiety, but it can also create anxiety. Perfectionism and anxiety can be mutually reinforcing and create a feedback loop that immobilizes us: when we strive for perfection, we set unrealistic standards for ourselves, and feel anxious when we can’t meet them. We then feel a sense of failure and may have even more anxiety about future tasks. This cycle also sets us up for feelings of self-criticism, low self-worth, and shame, which may leave us asking, “What’s the point of even trying?” and beginning to procrastinate or become avoidant. In other words, all the worrying about doing things perfectly can get in the way of us doing anything at all!
So, what can we do to overcome these patterns of high standards and avoidance, procrastination, and giving up for fear of failure?
Ideas to help break the patterns of perfectionism
Practice mindfulness:
Practice noticing what’s happening in the present moment, and try to bring a curious and gentle approach to it. Perfectionism and anxiety are future-oriented worries. Mindfulness can help us learn how to be in the present. It can also provide some distance from our habits—we might more easily notice perfectionistic tendencies and become more able to consider how we want to react, choosing our responses rather than acting from habit or impulse. If this feels hard on its own, you can practice doing an activity mindfully- for example, drink a cup of tea and really notice the steam rising from the cup, the warmth of the liquid as you sip it, and the smell and taste of the tea.
Build self-compassion:
One way to decrease perfectionism is to work on unconditional self-acceptance: the idea that you’re ok just the way you are, even when you make mistakes and even though you have flaws. We’re all worthy of rest, compassion, and self-love. And self-compassion is the key to self-acceptance. I often lead clients through Tara Brach’s RAIN method to help them increase self-compassion. The acronym stands for:
Recognize what is going on;
Allow the experience to be there, just as it is;
Investigate with interest and care;
Nurture with self-compassion
Make mistakes on purpose:
Ugh… even thinking about this may feel uncomfortable! But when we allow ourselves to make low-stakes mistakes, feel the feelings that come to us, and practice doing things imperfectly, we reinforce our knowledge that making a mistake doesn’t mean we’ll experience terrible consequences. I like encouraging clients who struggle with perfectionism to use artmaking to experiment with making mistakes on purpose. The creative process is organic, and very rarely goes exactly according to plan. This can be frustrating, but it can also be license to play and explore, and build our tolerance for uncertainty and imperfection. Some ideas for using art to get comfortable with the unpredictable and/or imperfect are:
using colors you don’t like,
intentionally choosing an art material you’re less familiar with,
using materials that are harder to control (ex. watercolor on wet paper),
trying to use your non-dominant hand to draw or paint or sculpt.
You might be surprised by what comes out when you give yourself permission to explore and experiment. As an art therapist and a crafter, I particularly loved this video “Knitting Helps Us Embrace Life’s Messy Imperfections” but art isn’t the only way to practice this.
I hope some of these ideas are helpful for you as you navigate the “new year, new you” self-optimizing, productivity-hacking pressure that many of us encounter every January. If, though, you try practices like this and still find that perfectionism is causing you distress, that can be a sign that these techniques might not be enough on their own and that therapy could be helpful. I have lots of experience helping people address perfectionism. Regardless of where the beliefs that fuel your perfectionism come from, I’ll support you in building your self-awareness and developing self-compassion. We’ll get curious about what that ever-present inner critic is trying to communicate. And we’ll work on helping you to accept yourself more fully so you can feel more ease and joy in the day to day.